It's official

Lies I've been told today:
1. That book was water damaged when I checked it out.
2. We'll be right out to take care of the centipedes.
3. I never checked that out.

This is proof positive that just because you read books doesn't mean you're smart. Remember that Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Okey dokey artichoky

Alright, now that I think I might be done tinkering with this bad boy I realize that I am all out of shit to say. I ate a disgusting lunch and read Shape magazine. That's enough to make you put your head in the oven. After getting married I started to feel the "married fat" creeping in. I keep telling myself that if I can still fit into my clothes than I'm not really fat right? Right. Well, now that many of my clothes no longer fit I'm working on a new excuse. Perhaps not eating a disgusting lunch is the first place to start.
Who's lickin' Byrne's ass?

Last night after finishing off a bottle of hazelnut sake, myself, my dude, Sarah B. and the Mat(t)s played a rousing game of Whorse. A friendship deepens when you know who wants to cum on Gillian Anderson's face, but not Scully's.

Before I get down to business I must say that my day has already been brightened by the unexpected treat of an additional Canadian bacon round on my Egg McMuffin. Good job Owasso team members.

Ok, in honor of being a traitor to my sex I've decided to make a little list of the chicks I hate right now. As always, this list is subject to change.

Chicks I hate right now

1. That bitch! As you might have seen earlier, we were the frickin' ticket at the sci-fi con, yet this chick thought she could string my sister along. My sis was cruelly taunted with hand kissing, boobs-on-shoulder contact, inappropriate humor, and the acknowledgement that she had been spotted and admired prior to their initial meeting only to be wickedly burned when That Bitch told her that she had to get home to her husband by midnight. If you see this woman on the street, kick her ass. And ignore all that stuff about kung fu, she's really not that tough.

2. Sarah Michelle Gellar. I can not wait for her to fail miserably. Marrying a man named Freddie is a good start, but soon we'll see her on the cover of Redbook talkin' about how much she enjoys homeschooling her kids.

3. That chick in the red pick-up with a Calvin praying sticker. I'm sure that if you asked, God would tell you not to cut people off.

4.The girl in this book I'm reading.

5.The lady with the greasy hair that comes into the library EVERY FUCKING DAY and wants me to print Super-T Bingo coupons for her. I keep expecting her to shout "Owen! I've got a wax ball in my ear!"

Have I mentioned that my library has a centipede problem? Yeah, they're still comin'.
Holy Crap! Look at how hot we are

However, you really must consider the competition. Seriously, I never knew finding pictures of onesself on the internet would be so utterly kick-ass. I can not wait for my head to be Photoshopped onto a skeezer body. People magazine once said that that was how you knew you'd really arrived.
Phasers set on stun

Lord a mercy, have I got a story to tell. I just got back from a sci-fi con weekend in Kansas City, MO. My sister and I had always known deep down that we were the prettiest princesses in puppetland, but did this ever confirm it. We decided to enter the costume contest, as you do, as Daphne and Velma. Well, when we saw the 4 year-old dressed as a Powerpuff Girl, we were prepared to lose. As it turns out, we totally did not lose. We won the most favorite geek award. We were given trophys and certificates and paparazzi took our pictures a lot and we never paid for drinks and people were stumbling over themselves to get us high and by the end I got really tired of being followed around and had nothing but contempt for the greasy guys staring at my less than stellar tits. Now I know how Madonna feels. Anyway, here is a brief list of crap I saw and crap I heard: 1. "Can't drink 'cause of my meds" Seriously, I heard more medical histories than an entire season of ER. What is it with pathetic people and their illnesses/diabetes and high blood pressure?
2. "Are you two really sisters?" Um...yeah. We really won't be making out later. 3. More support canes, Rascals, and diabetic supp hose than a weekend in Branson.
4. Bad teeth.
5. Breasts. You'd think that'd be a good thing, but it's really not.
6. My breasts. Who knew that a simple bra adjustment would make them so prominent and popular.
7.People who should really pay more attention to what they put on on the morning. Just because it's a new black t-shirt with a picture on it dosen't make it formal wear.
8. An evil She-Petty
9.Barnabas Collins vs. The Werewolf
10. "Does this have black pepper in it? I'm allergic to black pepper." I often think 'I'm allergic' is code for 'I'm a whiny pain in the ass'.
11. One ligitimately hot guy beading a christmas ornament. He was my con boyfriend, which means I gave him free White Zin over ice and helped him with this beading.
This is the very tippy tip of the iceberg. To be continued...
Young love, first love

So, my dude sent me this and I was reminded as to how much I loved Wil Wheaton. Back when pre-teens were fighting over Kirk Cameron, Ricky Schroeder, and the Coreys, my heart belonged to Wil. Straight up. My sister refused to come into my room. She said all the Wils freaked her out. But he was my kinda guy. So sensitive and nerdy in Stand By Me and he always talked about his cats Ziggy, Grady, and Ocean. Are they still with him? I guess I could go to Trek Expo and find out. Nah, I wouldn't want to ruin what we once had.

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